10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Deciding Whether to Have Children
- Sophie van het Erve
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
"Do you want kids?"
It's a reasonable question. It's also, on its own, almost impossible to answer clearly if you're genuinely uncertain.
Because the question is too simple for the decision underneath it - deciding whether to have children or not. Answering it requires having already done a lot of other thinking, about who you are, what you value, what you're willing to give up, what you're actually imagining when you imagine either future.
The better approach is to ask smaller, more specific questions that get you underneath the big one. Questions that don't demand a verdict but instead invite honest reflection.
Here are ten worth sitting with:
1. What does a meaningful life look like to you (specifically to YOU)?
Not in theory. Not "happiness and connection" in the abstract. But in the actual texture of your days and years: what would need to be there for you to feel, at the end of your life, that it was well lived? What experiences, relationships, contributions, or ways of being matter most?
2. When you imagine yourself as a mother — right now, this very moment — what's the first feeling that arises?
Not what you think it should be. Not what you'd say if someone was watching. The actual first feeling, in your body, before your mind has a chance to edit it. Warmth? Anxiety? Longing? Blankness? Relief? That feeling is information.
3. When you imagine yourself at 70, without children, looking back — what do you feel?
Try to approach it with honest imagining: could you see yourself at 70, having lived a full and intentional life without motherhood, feeling genuinely at peace? Or does something in that image feel hollow? The answer is worth knowing.
4. What are you actually imagining when you imagine having children?
A specific child, with a specific relationship, at a specific stage of life? Or a vague idea of "family"? The more specific you can get in the imagining, the actual daily reality, not just the highlights reel, the more useful the information.
5. What are you unwilling to give up?
Be honest here. What parts of your current life feel not just pleasurable but essential to who you are? What would feel like a loss you couldn't recover from? This question isn't designed to produce an answer about whether to have children. It's designed to help you understand what the trade-offs actually look like for you specifically.
6. What stories were you handed about motherhood, and are they actually yours?
What did you learn about what motherhood means from your family, your culture, your religion, the examples around you? Which of those stories are genuinely yours, and which are simply inherited? Separating the two is more important than most people realise.
7. Where does your capacity for care and nurturing already go?
We all nurture something. Relationships, creative work, community, gardens, other people's children, causes we care about. Where does your care naturally flow? Does it satisfy you? Is there something specifically about raising a child that calls to you, or is it nurturing more broadly?
8. What scares you about each path?
Both paths. Not just the one you're most focused on. What scares you about becoming a mother, and what scares you about not becoming one? Fear is information, both about what matters to you, ánd about what you might be protecting yourself from.
9. If all external pressure were removed, such as family expectations, timelines, or social comparison, what would you be inclined toward?
If you could just remove the noise of other people's opinions and desires: what direction does your own inclination point?
10. What would you need in order to trust your own answer?
More time? More information? A conversation? Permission? Therapy? Support? Understanding what's standing between you and trusting your own knowing is often as useful as the knowing itself.
These questions don't have right answers. But they tend to point in directions that matter.
If you want to go deeper, with more questions, more context, and the space to actually write through your answers, The Motherhood Question workbook was built for exactly this kind of reflection.
